How to Hold Paradox
On the healing journey, we will all have a moment of being deeply happy AND deeply sorrowful. It is the paradox of awakening, coming to realization of what all is possible (hope) and what all has been, or is being, lost (grief).
The reality is that we have to hold paradoxical emotions in all of our lives: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes,” Walt Whitman. Often times, it feels more acceptable to live as absolute—only in grief or only in joy. It is, truthfully, “easier” that way.
However, that is not why we are here. We are here to grow and evolve, to live the most vibrant lives possible. This means complicated experiences, this means holding paradoxical realities. Life is rarely, if ever, “either / or”, more often than not it is “AND”. I am excited about the possibilities of my future, but a part of me also grieves parts of my past. I am not excited OR grieving, I am excited AND grieving.
"A Part of" Ritual
The ritual, "A Part of", is a great support to freeing yourself from "either or" or "should/need" thinking. Often, when complex emotions like fear, anger, sadness, or disgust arise, we can over-identify with them. Research shows us that our emotions only last 90 seconds, a minute and half.
This means anything beyond that is ruminating and re-triggering the emotion through our thoughts. A cornerstone of emotional intelligence is being able to identify an emotion and process to alchemize it. Many times, when we over-identify with a negative emotion, we trap ourselves in a loop that will lead to a cycle of anxious or depressed thoughts.
Have you had a day recently when a complex emotion colored the entire day? Life is too precious (“your one wild and precious life”) to let this happen often. So here is a ritual to use to begin to allow yourself more complex experiences, while not denying experience either.
When you begin to feel a complex emotion this week, use the Feelings Wheel (above) to name it with specificity and say aloud:
"A part of me is ____ (annoyed, humiliated, insecure, jealous, etc.)"
Next, breath deeply in and our of the nose to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, get curious about what else is there…
Ask yourself aloud, “And what else is there?”
Chances are you, may also feel peaceful, optimistic, excited…
Now say, "A part of me is ____, AND a part of me is ____"
Remind yourself, feelings are temporary and there are other feelings within us. Don’t deny any emotion, but also don’t give it too much power to take over your time and mind. Sitting with complex emotions, breathing through them, allows you to process from a place of empowerment. Using the “a part of” exercise, helps you to become curious about the multitudes within you. How does this resonate? Keep me posted in our comments and never hesitate to reach out!
Be good,
Amanda
