Reflections on the magic of grief and familiars:
The longer you are on the spiritual journey, the shorter the space between surprise to acceptance of synchronicities. Don’t get me wrong, they are still bursts of light, miraculous reminders of the Unseen, but the surprise of these moments lessons, the doubt dissipates.
It is not really a surprise that a day my life was altered forever is marked on its five year anniversary to a full moon, or that I received a random invite to a somatic practice honoring grief, or that I got a message of the Unseen, that/who which watches over us. Five years ago today (written on August 20th, 2024), my dog Kaya passed away and it marks the moment I had to acknowledge that my entire life was changing, despite my resistance. Kaya even in her last moments, had a huge message for me.
My dog Kaya colored my entire adult life, from living all over the world, pursuing the arts and degrees, the coming and going of failed relationships, my quest to find my purpose in life, she was my companion through it all. In so many ways she was less my pet than this extension of who I was, mostly who I would become. In European Folklore, this type of bond between an animal and human was called a Familiar: an interdimensional being, protecting the human in their spiritual insight. This is more along the lines of my experience with Kaya, more so than her being called my “pet.”
August 20th, I held her in my arms as she took her last breaths. The moment she ceased to be, I felt the final fall of the life I had built. All my identities cracked beyond repair. Rainer Maria Rilke wrote “burst like a star, you must change your life” (which I now have tattooed on my arm). This exact poem came to me as I sobbed, holding her lifeless body. It was a Unseen knowing, beyond logic, that I had to burst like a star, that all had to change, my purpose was far beyond the walls I had built to make myself feel safe.
“burst like a star, you must change your life”
Each year, I honor all Kaya did for me, all she taught me and supported me through on the anniversary of her “joining the stars.” But also, I now know, in this five years of introspection, that it is also honoring my own bravery of being re-born from grief. I left an emotionally abusive relationship, I changed my career by starting a business, I embarked on the deepest healing of my life, moved across the country. I burst and became a star, just as Kaya. And this is the wisdom that grief can offer us, if we let it. The trouble is, we rarely let ourselves feel the full depths and darkness of grief. Our entire culture is built around its denial.
Today, I am focusing on the gift of grief, my greatest teacher in this life. Yes, the pain can feel like a tsunami when you let it in, as if there is no way you won’t drown in it, but surely and slowly your capacity for love grows just as big. More than survive, you begin to thrive. I hope whatever grief you are resisting, that this serves as your synchronicity message to allow it in today, slowly and surely. The vibrant version of you on the other side is waiting.
